What had I just agreed to? I had spent days looking for a place where I could have my own space and Skyping with potential roommates. Three hours ago, that was still the plan. Then joyful Ginny Grimes had to enter the picture and ruin everything.
I floated down onto the black sofa. It had all happened so fast. I had felt lead to spend extra time looking for permanent housing this afternoon. Somehow, in between responding to proposals, posting ads, and messaging potential roommates, my eye had fallen on a post advertising a host family, roommates, a studio-garage apartment, and an affordable price. I casually commented that I was in Redding and looking for a place to move in a couple of weeks. Within an hour, a perfect stranger was picking me up and taking me to the other side of town.Within two, she told me she was willing if I was. Within three, here I sat, ecstatic and nervous at the same time.
God knew I needed to be here because of this one, somewhat frightening word: confrontation. I literally used to spend months avoiding a certain person. Every time I would see them, I would be reminded of what I was hiding from them and feel guilty. I did not want to explain my sin, hurt feelings, or secret. I assumed that if they knew the would put me down or not have time for me. The one time I finally faced my fears and spilled my heart with someone that had once meant so much to me and who I had spent an entire season pouring into, I was given a very sparse and very negative response. Another, a relationship only became more strained. I felt like I could only enter intimacy with God if I obeyed Him. I was terrified of rejection.
Without knowing it, I had locked something up deep in my heart and decided to stop trying.
While living within the same few feet as Shawn, Ginny, Hannah, Cait, and Christy, I have learned so much. I have learned to communicate my needs and boundaries and let others know they need to do the same so I can honor them. I have learned that I need to take time to simply talk and listen. I have learned to communicate when my feelings are hurt. What surprised me more is that people usually don't know unless you tell them. I have learned to compliment and draw out the best from the people who are such extravagant lovers and leaders that I don't think my words will add anything to their confidence. Instead, they do SO much. I have learned to be celebrated, and that my grace, discoveries, love, and gifts, impart SO much to my roommates--regardless of my age, lifestyle, or experience. The other day, for example, Hannah said that she is more organized because of watching me nautrally move in my administrative gifting. More than that, she is learning to receive.
I have learned to ponder and take correction--even if it takes time and a mini SOZO session with Hannah. I have learned to trust others more than I trust myself, because the very nature of deception is blindness. Ginny, in particular, has guided me away from decisions that would have radically altered the course of my life, simply by reminding me of God's promises and call on my life: one's I had told her about months ago. God had already spoken over me.
In the end, I have learned that honest and regular communication--even when it is scary and uncomfortable--builds intimacy. It's SO worth it.
Now that I am beginning to understand who I am and how God has made me, I understand others better as well. I also see them as God's creations, created with unique giftings and personatlity traits. I have learned to trust only certain people with my dreams, plans, and heart. I have to know that they will celebrate me, listen to me, and call me out. Whereas I used to build concrete, high, walls that only abundant and unconditional Love could shatter, I know now that I let people in beautiful gates of crystal that reflect the Sonshine (see Isaiah 53:12.) I am starting to listen to people and serve them before talking about my vision and apologizing for an issue that was never a big deal to them. I have realized that I often assume people feel a lot more negatively about me than is true. And because my view of myself, God, and people has changed, and because of my experiences in this house, it is becoming more common for me to confront people. Just the other day, I brought up an issue that I had not dealt with in four months. Within moments, freedom was released.Letting go of the fear of rejection and realizing that in this culture, it is NORMAL to be celebrated...it has been a process. But it is SO worth it.